The Perfect Stranger

Just the other day, I met a guy. Very easy on the eye, well spoken, friendly and with a quick humor. His eyes were kind and his demeanor pleasant. A five minute conversation was all it took to get invested. The kind of people who feel like long time friends after a brief run in at the water cooler. Can’t help but wonder if I existed in another life, and they were part of it. Not just a part of it, but a pivotal part of it. Novels allude to this phenomena but we are prone to dismiss it as artistic license until it happens to you. Until you meet that perfect stranger and you are both in tune. Aware of the synergy of your beings as you keep up the small talk. And with a final glance you walk away secretly wishing for the chance to ‘bump’ into each other again.

It happens once in a while and more often than not, the second meeting does come. Then the third, and the fourth and countless others follow. As you both write your story, the ending entirely up to you. But, what if tomorrow never comes? What if the glance you shared as you walked away was the last you’d ever have? What if that perfect stranger will remain just that? Forever? What if fate never gave you the chance to make more memories?

Life is fleeting and time is a gift. A gift that we sometimes take for granted because we assume that we have tonnes of it left. While we are unwittingly close the end of road. Just one more step to the end. When young people our age die, why do we get so shocked? Why are we taken aback while we all know that death is our ultimate destination? Because we thought we have time. We have a time-bound existence and yet we crave eternity. The sand in the hour glass trickles down every fleeting moment and yet we choose to postpone most of our lives for a later day. An eventual moment in the future when we will finally do what we yearn or say what torments us.

So what of my perfect stranger? I just got the news of his demise. A road accident took him. Just like that. He was here and now he’s not. Like a trailer that never evolved into a movie. I think of what could have been and I become sad. The words that I wanted to say or the jokes I had already made up to share with him. When you meet a perfect stranger and never cross paths again, you secretly live with the hope of bumping into them. But if you learn that fate took them to a place that they can never feel again, you get crushed. I met him for 5 minutes so i feel that i don’t have the right to grieve. Yet I grieve. I grieve for his friends who loved him, for the family that lost him, for the roads he left untraveled, for the moments he left unexplored. I grieve for the lost of chance.

Don’t be afraid to say what you feel, to do what you will. Life is a rotating wheel so live it to the full before the momentum dies down and the wheel stops moving.

 

The Truth About The One Year No Dating Challenge; Unveiled

I’m back. I wasn’t gone anywhere in particular besides hiding behind a veil. I had pledged accountability but I decided to take the easier route. Silence. Silence slits like a knife because it’s implication is loud(ironic) and clear. Silence speaks right to the soul as words form themselves from the pulses of night. Silence is the weapon of choice when words cannot save you. But silence is also the bounty of the cowardice.

I did not finish the one-year challenge. (I like to rip the bandage right off) I got to month 9 and my hormones got the better of me. More accurately, I let them get the better of me. Hormones do not posses the ability to hold a gun to your resolve and yet they did. I helped set the gun in place. I rushed and I fell in supposed love and the vow to myself was broken. Just like that. Was I disappointed? Yes? But I lied to myself that it was worth it. It’s the folly of humanity. We fail ourselves more than we would care to admit and we blame fate for our misfortunes.

The very premise of the one year challenge is to get to a place where we are absolutely comfortable with ourselves that we are ready to allow someone else into our lives. But what if your inner self scares you? What if the silence, the questions, the fears, the tears all frighten you to avoidance? What if your past taunts you and you don’t want to relive the horror? What if your mind needs the release but you are afraid of what will be left if it does? Is there enough of you left after all the junk is gone? Is there an exit left or are all exists tightly sealed out of a habit of building walls?

Scaling up walls you have created for years is no easy task. Nor is finding the courage to tear it down and let your heart bleed it’s way to wellness. But if we do not do it or learn from our past, we are bound to be stuck in the same hamster wheel and run in circles forever. Once we refuse to pause, reflect and learn from situations, they are bound to repeat themselves. Worst of all, when we rely on ourselves to change us we er. It’s like trying to shine windows with a floor rug. Bishop T.D Jakes said that how can you possibly give yourself to someone if you do not even know what you are giving? How also can you pick a helper suitable for you if you do not know yourself enough to realize what is suitable or not?

11 months later with a heartbreak to boot, I am back to square one. I shall not lie and say that I shall start the challenge again but what I am determined to do is to find the lesson in the mess. The lesson I had missed in the first place that led me back to square one. I thought that I had found what I was looking for but sometimes a wish list is just that. A wish. We may be delusional in what we think we need in life. I know I shall have a spectacular life and for this reason I wish to find a partner in crime. I shall not settle on my idea of ideal but I shall pray that God will reveal to me the full potential of the girl he packed in this small frame. Have you ever felt a sense of predestination that scares you? A sense of destiny that overwhelms you? I do, and I frankly hope that my life turns out just as awesome as it is in the dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night.

To all those who are doing the challenge, keep at it. Don’t let your desires get the better of you. You are stronger than you think. Plus, friends are your gift from God. Cultivate friendships that are true. Treasure those who care for you and grow a support system that will hold you up when you are feeling down. When you stray and your friends still come to your aid, hold on to them. Such friends are rare. Everybody is consumed by their own problems that they forget to reach out to others. Better yet, be a great friend. Because life is not about about what you have but whom you have. You may fall and it’s alright. Cry and do what you must, then rise back up again. Because everyday is a chance to start again. To start a new journey.

 

10 Seconds In Heaven:

This idea came up when i took some colleagues outside for a smoke. I don’t smoke, just in case you’re wondering, but apparently I have developed a love of watching people darken their lungs. I’m kidding.

As they partook in further depleting the Ozone layer, one of them flashed back to a moment he saw a stunning lady at a lounge. She was Muslim and clad in their characteristic Hijab…

Graceful in her manner,she sat down and let the Hijab slide down to reveal her luscious locks and breathtaking features. If it was deliberate it was flawless. If it wasn’t she had a finesse and fluidity that cannot be taught. She reached out for a cigarette. My colleague, lets call him Jazz, was now unabashedly fixated on her.

A little stunned by the fact that she smokes, Jazz looked on at his new object of curiosity. Cleopatra would have been proud of miss mysterious obsession. Holding the cigarette with her dainty fingers, she lit it in one swift movement and took in her first huff. Her puff was perfect if there is such a thing. Her expression remained flawless and not a single feature contoured. For a moment, Jazz wished he could be the cigarette. For that brief interlude, be the recipient of her delicate movements. Those few blissful seconds shifting between her finger and lips.

From that tale was born the cigarette poem. It was a challenge actually. I’m not one to turn down a good challenge so here goes.

If your cigarette could speak, what would it say to you? Drum roll… here goes. Share your thoughts below.

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10 Seconds In Heaven

As your dainty fingers take me

My insides get tingly

In the heat of your lighter

I delight in burning for you

I only experience you for a few seconds

but that is more than enough

 

I wonder why you sit alone

a beauty like you should never be by herself.

but, I am here.

I will keep you company

cloud your air with smoke

like a sequel to a concert

the stage is set

for those few enthralling seconds

I will be your sole focus

and i will fill you

 

For that moment i will be your only worry

i might not be good for you

but i understand you

i am a part of your life

sometimes an escape

other times a habit developed

 

But in those 10 seconds

in the oscillations between your lips and fingers

i am yours and you are mine

we are one

and the world is fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I See You

Looking in the mirror
I see a spitting image of you
But I’m not sad. No.
I’m glad. I’m blessed.

‘”I will never want to be like you when I grow up”
Were my choice words each time we fought
Each time you annoyed the sense out of my words
I was young and inexperienced
But fate has a sense of humor
Scoffing each time you swear
While slowly turning you into exactly what you loathe

The eye is quick to judge a sight we can’t relate with
The mouth is quick to spite those we don’t understand
The mind only knows what it knows
But being comfortable with the familiar breeds ignorance
Contentment with the mundane breeds mediocrity

But mediocre is comfortable
Common and thus dubbed normal
But comfortable is safe and boring
Never going outside to feel the magic in the rain
Too afraid to try out new things that we miss out on

But time slaps sense into unwilling hearts
Sense that we sometimes unknowingly lack
And we learn
Oh boy do we learn.

The best things are those that spring upon us
When you are too busy having fun to notice
Your life becomes sublime
Every moment becomes enchanting
All what you have ever dreamt about creeps up on you
Then you awake and pinch yourself
For life is one big surreal party

I like what I see in the mirror,
I grow more like you with each day
But I am glad.
I know your world
I understand your pain
And I admire your strength
And I cherish your love
Never thought I wanted to be you
But now I’m glad I get to be anything close to what you are.
An amazing woman gifted to me as my mother.

 

Life Lessons From A Movie

I’m not your average movie buff who’s on the heels of new Hollywood releases and always has an up to date movie library. Nope. I am that friend who comes for your movie collection and binge watches them on a weekend or on days that I would rather be indoors and chill. I’m the binge movie buff. The movie fanatic with no regard for release timelines. As long as it’s a great story, I don’t really care if the movie was produced by Flinstones.

During a recent binge, I watched the movie ‘Internship’. A movie where two sales men lose their jobs in an economic downturn and they have to look for a new career path. In their middle ages, the men’s skills are irrelevant and archaic in the technological age. One of them stumbles upon an internship call from Google and they get into the program after an incredibly entertaining Skype interview and a few convenient lies. They rise against insurmountable odds to become the winning team and eventually joining the amazing Google team. An incredulous mix of sugar, spice and great laughs, you ought to watch the movie if you already haven’t.

Sometimes life is like a car ride. It can be smooth and fast. But sometimes, you can be thrown out of the windshield and get a nice couple of stitches to remind you of the time your head almost split in two. But will that stop you from getting back on the wheel and driving on? Hell no. Life moves on. So If life moves on, what is the need of getting back on half-hearted, walking on egg-shells and walking half scared of your own shadow? If you got to do it, do it with all you got. Do it as if it’s the last thing you will ever do.

This was my take away lesson from the movie. It spoke to a part of me that has been receiving some major reality check in the past few days. Few people get the chance to have reality spelt out for them. Few people have the privilege of having their strengths pointed out and weakness highlighted. Most of us spend our heads buried in self-help books trying to right what we think is wrong with us. But the truth is that we are the worst judges of our own abilities. We many not think we have what it takes but sometimes, we are way more talented than we give ourselves credit for. Other times, you may also have your head stuck so far up in your skills that you do not notice a self-destructive pattern that always plays out. Perspective is all that matters.

Sometimes we are too in love with our own selves to realize the folly of our ways. Or at times we are too busy looking for the elusive pot of gold that we do not realize the treasure chest we always had inside us. It is the irony of life. The tragedy of a one-sided view. But when heaven is kind enough to send someone to talk some sense into you, swallow any ego or excuse that may start showing up and take in all you are being told. If you really listen, it will do you more good than a dozen self-help books.

 

The One Year No-Dating Challenge: Month 2 and 3 review

I was sitting at the back of a police land rover and the thought of writing occurred to me. It has been ages before I sat to write for me and it was about time. At the end of one of the longest days ever, I was spent and begging to get home. Therefore my unexpected ‘lift’ from the authorities bolstered me back to reality and out of the bubble I like to travel in.

I did not write the review for the 2nd month of the one year no dating challenge simply because of my horrid habit of ceaseless postponement. I always had some work to do and kept postponing it to later. I would probably postpone my whole life if I could too. I tend to over think situations and never get to actually do them. The other reason was that I had buried my head deep into a sea of work that I hardly had any time to do my own grooming. The tragedy is that I was not really as busy as I acted but I worked in a haphazard manner that made me move around in a constant rush and I scurried everywhere I went. I was the embodiment of the so called busy-but-not-productive type of life. I can see that now in retrospect but at the time I was sure I was doing things correctly.

Once you engulf your life in work, you will notice something. All of your friends will suddenly see to drift away from you and you will increasingly feel alone and isolated, it may not be true but I sure felt it. I don’t know about you. Next, your whole life begins to revolve around work and you lose the ability to have a normal conversation as you are always busy rushing to nowhere. That is truly a sad existence and if that sounds like your life, the time for change needs to start now.

Over the past weekend, I was a volunteer at a musical festival organized by a certain cancer foundation. It was absolutely fun and I had the chance to meet awesome local celebrities who challenged me to be better and to set on my success story in motion sooner than later. There were artists with academic credentials up to the level of PHDs but they had followed their passions and dreams, which in turn brought them unprecedented fame. If someone can handle a full time corporate job and a side job as a Dj, who I’m I not to balance my daily tasks and deliver them on time? Listening to them was and both enlightening and humbling in one breathe.

I chose to write today, on one of the days where I feel like cow poop, because I cannot help but be blunt when faced with my own mortality and the truth about the condition of my life. This was when I realized that God had led me to the one year challenge for more than the main reason of growing into the type of woman my ideal man would want. God also wanted me to come to the point of spiritual brokenness to realize that he is all I need. That the condition of the heart determines the health of your whole being. That everyone needs some love and being a lone ranger is only cool in movies. As I sit on my bed and type this, a song plays in my head: “Jesus you’re all I need.” I love that song and I can’t help the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It’s the moment I realize a lot of things about my life. The absence of the pure warm hug, the close confidant I can run and cry with and the blatant absence of a clear plan for progress of my own life. You can get so caught up in life’s activities that you forget about yourself and what is really important.

After a long absence, I finally showed up at a certain group meeting I used to attend every Monday evening. When I was asked how I finally managed to show up, I said I did not have anything to do. But I lied. I was lonely, tired and felt down. I just wanted a friend and to see familiar faces. Did it work? Maybe. But it was sure nice to see my sister. At least I was sure someone there was happy to see me. I wish I could tell her that but I am not good at expressing my emotions so I write it down and hope that the wind blows it to her.

I do not wish to depress you but to merely share one of my lowest moments in the hope that someone will identify with it. Incidentally, in these two months that I have been surrounded by the most people, I have felt the loneliest. Your own insecurities can be your own worst enemy and your own mind has the ability to conjure horrific situation that will torment your soul with imaginary tragedies. I think I have learnt the importance of conscious thought and intentional action. Life will truly happen to you if you sit back and let the waves rock you. Emotions should never be a stumbling block but a catalyst for whatever you need to change.

Let yourself feel, let yourself cry, let yourself laugh and let yourself live.

 

How An Amazing Relationship Really Feels Like.

Jarrid Wison, a pastor, husband, author and preacher had an interesting article that got me thinking.Before I spew my thoughts, have a read of what he posted;
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On Jarrid’s blog post titled, “I’m Dating Someone Even Thought I’m Married,” he writes:

“I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married.

She’s an incredible girl. She’s beautiful, smart, cunning, strong, and has an immensely strong faith in God. I love to take her out to dinner, movies, local shows, and always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for longer than five minutes, and her smile always seems to brighten up my day no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes she will visit me at work unannounced, make me an incredible lunch, or even surprise me with something she personally baked. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be dating someone even though I am married. I encourage you to try it and see what it can do for your life.

Oh! Did I mention the woman I am dating is my wife? What did you expect?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean your dating life should end.

I need to continue to date my wife even after I marry her. Pursuing my wife shouldn’t stop just because we both said, “I do.” Way too many times do I see relationships stop growing because people stop taking the initiative to pursue one another.

Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed. Wake up each day and pursue your spouse as if you are still on your first few dates. You will see a drastic change for the better in your relationship.

When it comes to any relationship, communication and the action of constant pursuit is key. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to pursue them whole-heartedly.

I encourage you to date your spouse, pursue them whole-heartedly, and understand that dating shouldn’t end just because you said, “I do.”

– Jarrid Wilson”
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Simply touching. I have fallen in love with that couple. I read that post and I instantly knew the description of what I have always been looking for. I knew I always wanted my relationships and future marriage to be more than the usual drudgery or a consequence of obligation, but I never knew how to describe it for I didn’t have a template to read from. Now I do. I want exactly what Jarrid and wife have. That is what we call working at a relationship. People fight all the time over sharing of household chores, when they can’t remember the last time your partners smile made your heart skip a beat. People heckle over who will change the baby’s diapers when they can’t remember the last time they had some time alone to talk and enjoy their company.

If people have to fight, they should fight for love. The only true magic in this world is that which lights up your heart and makes this life worth living. Life can be a tedious bore when it becomes a series of repetitive events. When the magic fades out of it, then reason ceases to exist. Mindless ritual pales in comparison to heartfelt devotion. Even the Lord himself detests it.

When it was said that two shall become one, I know it was not only in reference to their physical beings. If you fuse in emotion, in mind, in will and in direction, there will be no dull day. Each step will be in unison and each curve ball thrown will be handled together. That is true union. No ponnies and fairytales but companionship, loyalty and love. Pure unadulterated love. When all these things are in place, the other factors will automatically fall into place. Sex life, chores, in-laws, work and finances will no longer seem as daunting as before. It’s a spiral that begins with the correct foundation. Once the momentum is set, there is little that can stop them.

Such relationships do exist and they can exist. Blame the over commercialization of ‘dramatic’ relationships which are in essence bad relationships that treat companionship as a necessary stage of life like puberty. Puberty is inevitable but relationships are choices. Your’s will only be as good as you choose to make it. I choose to make mine divine.

 

The One Year No-Dating Challenge- Month one review.

One of the things I like about a new year is the hope it brings. The possibility of living life a new way, the promise of finer days and merry ways. Thus, January is probably the month that my mind is stuck in the clouds creating visions of the future, pouring my dreams to the wind and holding on to hope and anticipation that it is only a matter of time before they come true.

First, I’d like to apologize to the internet fraternity and that friend who put pressure on me to write (you know yourself :)). I had promised to update you all on the progress of my one year no dating challenge every fifth day of the month and I am clearly late. I can come up with quite a handful of appropriate excuses but I’m not doing those this year. At least the good news is that I have one month and 6 days down. There are plenty more to go so let’s not count lest I get depressed.

Frankly, it’s been an emotional roller-coaster so far. I have felt a plethora of emotions I never knew I could. I have faced the past head on and it’s harder than I thought it would be. You know how it is said that you have to face the past before you can enjoy the present and anticipate the future? I agree fully. But the part they forgot to mention was the fact that facing the past will unearth dirt and ashes that you’d buried and it will hurt.

I’ve been repeatedly asked exactly how I planned to spend the year now that I have intentionally denied myself the company of the opposite gender. Weirdly enough, I actually don’t know. That fact bothered me for a while and I tried to form a plan. None of what I came up with made sense or it just seemed like it would make my life into a drudgery and horrid bore. I then read a quote that said that sometimes, those people who have it all figured out all the way to the next ten years are usually the ones who have no idea what they really want. I do believe in planning but I also believe in leaving enough wiggle room to absorb life’s unpredictability and take advantage of new unforeseen opportunities. So my plan is to grow myself in all aspects beside in dating. In my artistic side, work, emotions and relationship with God, friends and family.

Thus in the bid to grow myself emotionally, I chose to reflect and look back at all the past relationships. In real sense, the choice to reflect was not voluntary but it was brought about by people from my past just popping up from nowhere. One thing I’ve always loved about my sister is her ability to tell you exactly what is in her mind without hesitation. I have always been the exact opposite. You may drive a knife right through my heart and if I could take it silently and walk away, I would. I might write an angry blog post one day about it but the most I will do is severe contact and give you silent treatment. Not the best of ways to deal with stuff but I turned out okay didn’t I? Okay. Let me stop justifying something I’m trying to change.

So, while exes kept popping up, I had to increasingly open doors to memories. Some painful and hurtful, others thrilling and exciting. The more I talked things over with them, the more I realized, things are not always what they seem. I had this one guy I loathed because he treated me like a trophy and only wanted to strut me around at his convenience. After a heart to heart, he was almost in tears. He didn’t know how much he had hurt me. The worst part about my tendencies is that coupled with the fact that I won’t mention when I’ve been hurt, I also do a good job of hiding my true emotions. I might smile with you today and tomorrow I absolutely ignore your calls.

While some exes elicited pain from the past, other set forth a longing I didn’t even know I still had. I don’t know if it is just me but there is always that relationship that you wished would have worked out. That ex who you always think was the one that got away. In my case, he was the same one that split my heart into two and made me turn cold for two years afraid of getting hurt again. It was bittersweet reconnecting. I remembered exactly why I was enchanted by him but at the back of my mind I writhed from the memory of how we ended. It happened years ago but I still felt like I was re-living it. However, talking candidly brings a new perspective in everything. Most of all it brings understanding. Understanding someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with them but it brings cohesion. Knowing where they are coming from brings incredible insight.

In addition to everything, I’ve had an unprecedented hard time with cravings that I’m not sure I should talk about here. Maybe I’m shy maybe I’m not. But ‘say it like it is’ is my new way to communicate so I shall be candid for those of you who won’t. Being accustomed to having someone by your side can shield you from the fact that it scares you silly to be alone. Even when I was single, I still had someone to cuddle with. Sort of a cheat boyfriend who isn’t exactly official but isn’t really just a friend. The perilous in-between has its thrills but when one party wants more, things get complicated. Since I started this challenge, staying away from those cheat things is the hardest bit. I’m still working my way around it and when I figure out a way to completely eliminate the tendency to want to cheat, I will let you know. Until then, I will deal with it, so help me God. Everyone struggles with that (or so I think) so if you’ve figured it out, let me know too.

I expected to be able to list down things I have learnt each month but it’s harder than I thought. With every moment I learn things about myself and about other people. Thus with that knowledge I evolve to take advantage of my strengths and circumvent my weaknesses. I do not have a set of lessons I can jot down, but I am morphing into a better version of me. It seems that with his journey of the one year no-dating challenge, I will be documenting my metamorphosis. Success will be measured by the difference in perspective between the girl on December 5th 2013 and on December 5th 2014. Allowing yourself to feel is the only way you can move from the grey of life and start enjoying the colours of the rainbow.

 

How to know you are self-destructive

Have you ever watched a movie and felt disgusted by the character with a self-destructive tendency of doing things (and people) that are bad for them? I know I have. But the irony is that we have been that person at least once in our life if we care to be at all honest with ourselves. Self-destructive is not just limited to the cliché drugs, sex and other “usual” addictions. Self-destructive is that friend you still entertain even though you know they are nothing but trouble. Self-destructive is that habit of repeatedly making excuses for people who do not want to be there. Self-destructive is muting that voice of reason that tells you to stop doing something that you are either too afraid to stop or do not know how to live without. Self-destruction happens to us all but repeatedly subjecting ourselves to our inborn urge to be reckless is what separates madness form sanity.

The most interesting revelation occurred to me. When you sit and reflect on your life and run through in your mind like a movie, you will kick yourself for all the silly things you did. That you did all in the name of any manner of excuse that you managed to come up with. If you ask me, anything that you do and have to justify to yourself is wrong. So in my reflections I managed to spot a pattern that I didn’t even know existed.

I am apparently terrified by being alone. I seem to seek out a person to be with so that I could be consumed by the activity of getting to know them thus I don’t get the opportunity to see me. Maybe I’m afraid that the sheer weight of my thoughts will drown me. Maybe I am avoiding the possibility of finding out that I am not all that awesome and I could have way more going on for me than I care to strive for. Maybe I am afraid that my inner monologues will soon grow shallow if I allow them to increase in frequency. Or maybe I am just afraid to face my own emotions, to address them and seek to make peace with myself.

To forgive others is divine but to forgive yourself is true freedom and clarity. Facing your demons from the past and present is no child’s play. No wonder many choose to ignore and behave as if nothing ever happened. But certain words resonate in my head and haunt me into action: “If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting the same results you have been getting.”

You cannot make a change if you do not know an alternate way. The luxury of choice stems from the tree born out of intentional labour and search for truth. I am a big believer in not living your life on autopilot but I had no idea of how auto pilot feels like until a dear friend of mine took me inside a flight simulator. I literally sat there and did nothing when the plane flew itself. A few controls here and there had to be done but it was literally a free ride. Then it all made sense. When you live and do the bare minimum, you will get the usual and expected outcomes form life. The small controls are things like getting basic education, a job and then getting married. Thereafter you work your way into a middle class suburb on a mortgage and drive around a car that you bought on loan. Don’t get me wrong, I am not mocking any of those things by a long shot. All I am saying is that they are common place, downrightly predictable and depressingly dull.

Call me crazy but I want more. I want to wake up each morning with a zeal to enjoy every moment. I want a life that cannot be drawn on a chart and predicted. I want a life partner who will not suck the living daylights out of my existence. I want a man who will want more than settling down to please the calls for grand kids. I want a man who will laugh with me, talk to me, understand me to a level that even I get astonished by, that will challenge me and that will most of all be my friend and share numerous fun times. I want a man who will be my best friend and a comrade in life. Is that too much to ask for? I want more than a physical attraction from my happily ever after. I can attest to the fact that you can have a said “connection” with more than two people at the same time. So basing such a beautiful and wondrous thing as love on a “connection” is absurd. I want a heavenly understanding between us, endless devotion and fierce loyalty. I don’t know how to get that but I am sure autopilot is not the way to get it. Auto pilot is cozy and effortless, but when the winds gets strong and there is a cloud approaching, you will be hit hard and you are bound to get turbulence.

I don’t have many answers but I have plenty of questions. But come to think of it, not many people have answers either. All that is needed for a change to happen is a set of well-targeted questions to stir up a curiosity and longing for more. So think upon these things: If your life was a movie and you were a neutral party, would you like you and life? Would you applaud your performance or ridicule the idiot who put you in the cast? Only you can answer that.

 

Finding the keys to the past..

Interesting things have happened since my resolution to do the one year challenge. Some completely unrelated and others somewhat related albeit by a long shot. In just two weeks I have learnt so much that I know I wouldn’t have if I didn’t consciously resolve to grow myself and open my eyes to things I didn’t know I needed to see. I know I promised a post on every 5th of each month but all I am learning will not fit on a single post. Plus I’m keyboard happy and I felt like writing. 😛

First thing I realized was that I lived in a bubble that was unconsciously burst by the fact that I have resolved to do one of the hardest things I have ever done and document it on blogosphere where everyone can see it. Talk about vulnerability! I don’t do well with sitting and talking about feelings but lately that is all I seem to be doing when people ask me to explain why I am going all radical. But I guess being ready to seem imperfect charts a path for you to become a perfectly awesome. Always trying to seem perfect is the worst way to live. What you may think is a perfect personality might just come across as a pretentious stuck up ass.

Just to let you understand my persona better, I would rather walk on hot coals than sit and discuss feelings. I know it’s counter productive if I ever want to have successful relations with anyone but it is what it is. Don’t roll your eyes at me yet. It might even be ironical since writers are meant to be able to spell out emotions. If people spoke by writing notes, I’d probably be a legend but since we don’t, I need that year to fix me.

The most interesting thing so far is that exes have been popping up from the archives. It’s a mixture of amusement and uncalled for feelings of nostalgia. I have always had good relations with my exes and I was sure I am absolutely over them and bear no feeling towards them. Be they good or bad. Well, I have been pleasantly surprised by what I have learnt. I never really get over them. I put their memories in a box, lock it and put the keys in another box which I also lock and hide in a corner. I don’t deal, I evade. I have learnt the art of evading to a tee.

When I sit and think about it, I can see where it stems from. When most of your memories at a certain formative time of your life are bad, you learn to delete the pain, numb your emotions from the present and continue as if nothing has happened. I vividly remember one day while I was at my former high school’s drama club rehearsal. We were practising a sad scene and the director expected actual tears as we sang a sad song. I cannot just induce tears. I don’t not even cry at some instances that you’d expect me to. Plus my eyes look bloodshot after crying. I don’t like crying at all. We were encouraged to think of any sad thing that has ever happened in our lives and get tears from the memory of how you felt. I remembered nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s not that I had a perfect childhood. That couldn’t be furthest from the truth. I even tried remembering sad movies that made me cry but I didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t give the incident much thought then but I can now see why it happened.

All my emotions have been hidden in the box and the keys are also stashed in the other box. I have just made the first step in reaching for the box of keys and I want to learn to deal. Fate seems to agree with me too because I am getting unexpected chances of learning about myself from fractions of my past to the workings of my present. Frankly, I am scared but in the same breathe, I am ecstatic. New is scary and it has infinite potential. It could be the stuff nightmares are made of, or it could morph into the best thing you never knew you needed. I am willing to find out.

10 days in, 355 days to go. 😉