Interesting things have happened since my resolution to do the one year challenge. Some completely unrelated and others somewhat related albeit by a long shot. In just two weeks I have learnt so much that I know I wouldn’t have if I didn’t consciously resolve to grow myself and open my eyes to things I didn’t know I needed to see. I know I promised a post on every 5th of each month but all I am learning will not fit on a single post. Plus I’m keyboard happy and I felt like writing. 😛
First thing I realized was that I lived in a bubble that was unconsciously burst by the fact that I have resolved to do one of the hardest things I have ever done and document it on blogosphere where everyone can see it. Talk about vulnerability! I don’t do well with sitting and talking about feelings but lately that is all I seem to be doing when people ask me to explain why I am going all radical. But I guess being ready to seem imperfect charts a path for you to become a perfectly awesome. Always trying to seem perfect is the worst way to live. What you may think is a perfect personality might just come across as a pretentious stuck up ass.
Just to let you understand my persona better, I would rather walk on hot coals than sit and discuss feelings. I know it’s counter productive if I ever want to have successful relations with anyone but it is what it is. Don’t roll your eyes at me yet. It might even be ironical since writers are meant to be able to spell out emotions. If people spoke by writing notes, I’d probably be a legend but since we don’t, I need that year to fix me.
The most interesting thing so far is that exes have been popping up from the archives. It’s a mixture of amusement and uncalled for feelings of nostalgia. I have always had good relations with my exes and I was sure I am absolutely over them and bear no feeling towards them. Be they good or bad. Well, I have been pleasantly surprised by what I have learnt. I never really get over them. I put their memories in a box, lock it and put the keys in another box which I also lock and hide in a corner. I don’t deal, I evade. I have learnt the art of evading to a tee.
When I sit and think about it, I can see where it stems from. When most of your memories at a certain formative time of your life are bad, you learn to delete the pain, numb your emotions from the present and continue as if nothing has happened. I vividly remember one day while I was at my former high school’s drama club rehearsal. We were practising a sad scene and the director expected actual tears as we sang a sad song. I cannot just induce tears. I don’t not even cry at some instances that you’d expect me to. Plus my eyes look bloodshot after crying. I don’t like crying at all. We were encouraged to think of any sad thing that has ever happened in our lives and get tears from the memory of how you felt. I remembered nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s not that I had a perfect childhood. That couldn’t be furthest from the truth. I even tried remembering sad movies that made me cry but I didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t give the incident much thought then but I can now see why it happened.
All my emotions have been hidden in the box and the keys are also stashed in the other box. I have just made the first step in reaching for the box of keys and I want to learn to deal. Fate seems to agree with me too because I am getting unexpected chances of learning about myself from fractions of my past to the workings of my present. Frankly, I am scared but in the same breathe, I am ecstatic. New is scary and it has infinite potential. It could be the stuff nightmares are made of, or it could morph into the best thing you never knew you needed. I am willing to find out.
10 days in, 355 days to go. 😉