Have you ever watched a movie and felt disgusted by the character with a self-destructive tendency of doing things (and people) that are bad for them? I know I have. But the irony is that we have been that person at least once in our life if we care to be at all honest with ourselves. Self-destructive is not just limited to the cliché drugs, sex and other “usual” addictions. Self-destructive is that friend you still entertain even though you know they are nothing but trouble. Self-destructive is that habit of repeatedly making excuses for people who do not want to be there. Self-destructive is muting that voice of reason that tells you to stop doing something that you are either too afraid to stop or do not know how to live without. Self-destruction happens to us all but repeatedly subjecting ourselves to our inborn urge to be reckless is what separates madness form sanity.
The most interesting revelation occurred to me. When you sit and reflect on your life and run through in your mind like a movie, you will kick yourself for all the silly things you did. That you did all in the name of any manner of excuse that you managed to come up with. If you ask me, anything that you do and have to justify to yourself is wrong. So in my reflections I managed to spot a pattern that I didn’t even know existed.
I am apparently terrified by being alone. I seem to seek out a person to be with so that I could be consumed by the activity of getting to know them thus I don’t get the opportunity to see me. Maybe I’m afraid that the sheer weight of my thoughts will drown me. Maybe I am avoiding the possibility of finding out that I am not all that awesome and I could have way more going on for me than I care to strive for. Maybe I am afraid that my inner monologues will soon grow shallow if I allow them to increase in frequency. Or maybe I am just afraid to face my own emotions, to address them and seek to make peace with myself.
To forgive others is divine but to forgive yourself is true freedom and clarity. Facing your demons from the past and present is no child’s play. No wonder many choose to ignore and behave as if nothing ever happened. But certain words resonate in my head and haunt me into action: “If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting the same results you have been getting.”
You cannot make a change if you do not know an alternate way. The luxury of choice stems from the tree born out of intentional labour and search for truth. I am a big believer in not living your life on autopilot but I had no idea of how auto pilot feels like until a dear friend of mine took me inside a flight simulator. I literally sat there and did nothing when the plane flew itself. A few controls here and there had to be done but it was literally a free ride. Then it all made sense. When you live and do the bare minimum, you will get the usual and expected outcomes form life. The small controls are things like getting basic education, a job and then getting married. Thereafter you work your way into a middle class suburb on a mortgage and drive around a car that you bought on loan. Don’t get me wrong, I am not mocking any of those things by a long shot. All I am saying is that they are common place, downrightly predictable and depressingly dull.
Call me crazy but I want more. I want to wake up each morning with a zeal to enjoy every moment. I want a life that cannot be drawn on a chart and predicted. I want a life partner who will not suck the living daylights out of my existence. I want a man who will want more than settling down to please the calls for grand kids. I want a man who will laugh with me, talk to me, understand me to a level that even I get astonished by, that will challenge me and that will most of all be my friend and share numerous fun times. I want a man who will be my best friend and a comrade in life. Is that too much to ask for? I want more than a physical attraction from my happily ever after. I can attest to the fact that you can have a said “connection” with more than two people at the same time. So basing such a beautiful and wondrous thing as love on a “connection” is absurd. I want a heavenly understanding between us, endless devotion and fierce loyalty. I don’t know how to get that but I am sure autopilot is not the way to get it. Auto pilot is cozy and effortless, but when the winds gets strong and there is a cloud approaching, you will be hit hard and you are bound to get turbulence.
I don’t have many answers but I have plenty of questions. But come to think of it, not many people have answers either. All that is needed for a change to happen is a set of well-targeted questions to stir up a curiosity and longing for more. So think upon these things: If your life was a movie and you were a neutral party, would you like you and life? Would you applaud your performance or ridicule the idiot who put you in the cast? Only you can answer that.