I’m back. I wasn’t gone anywhere in particular besides hiding behind a veil. I had pledged accountability but I decided to take the easier route. Silence. Silence slits like a knife because it’s implication is loud(ironic) and clear. Silence speaks right to the soul as words form themselves from the pulses of night. Silence is the weapon of choice when words cannot save you. But silence is also the bounty of the cowardice.
I did not finish the one-year challenge. (I like to rip the bandage right off) I got to month 9 and my hormones got the better of me. More accurately, I let them get the better of me. Hormones do not posses the ability to hold a gun to your resolve and yet they did. I helped set the gun in place. I rushed and I fell in supposed love and the vow to myself was broken. Just like that. Was I disappointed? Yes? But I lied to myself that it was worth it. It’s the folly of humanity. We fail ourselves more than we would care to admit and we blame fate for our misfortunes.
The very premise of the one year challenge is to get to a place where we are absolutely comfortable with ourselves that we are ready to allow someone else into our lives. But what if your inner self scares you? What if the silence, the questions, the fears, the tears all frighten you to avoidance? What if your past taunts you and you don’t want to relive the horror? What if your mind needs the release but you are afraid of what will be left if it does? Is there enough of you left after all the junk is gone? Is there an exit left or are all exists tightly sealed out of a habit of building walls?
Scaling up walls you have created for years is no easy task. Nor is finding the courage to tear it down and let your heart bleed it’s way to wellness. But if we do not do it or learn from our past, we are bound to be stuck in the same hamster wheel and run in circles forever. Once we refuse to pause, reflect and learn from situations, they are bound to repeat themselves. Worst of all, when we rely on ourselves to change us we er. It’s like trying to shine windows with a floor rug. Bishop T.D Jakes said that how can you possibly give yourself to someone if you do not even know what you are giving? How also can you pick a helper suitable for you if you do not know yourself enough to realize what is suitable or not?
11 months later with a heartbreak to boot, I am back to square one. I shall not lie and say that I shall start the challenge again but what I am determined to do is to find the lesson in the mess. The lesson I had missed in the first place that led me back to square one. I thought that I had found what I was looking for but sometimes a wish list is just that. A wish. We may be delusional in what we think we need in life. I know I shall have a spectacular life and for this reason I wish to find a partner in crime. I shall not settle on my idea of ideal but I shall pray that God will reveal to me the full potential of the girl he packed in this small frame. Have you ever felt a sense of predestination that scares you? A sense of destiny that overwhelms you? I do, and I frankly hope that my life turns out just as awesome as it is in the dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night.
To all those who are doing the challenge, keep at it. Don’t let your desires get the better of you. You are stronger than you think. Plus, friends are your gift from God. Cultivate friendships that are true. Treasure those who care for you and grow a support system that will hold you up when you are feeling down. When you stray and your friends still come to your aid, hold on to them. Such friends are rare. Everybody is consumed by their own problems that they forget to reach out to others. Better yet, be a great friend. Because life is not about about what you have but whom you have. You may fall and it’s alright. Cry and do what you must, then rise back up again. Because everyday is a chance to start again. To start a new journey.