Sometimes i wonder what if…

19 Jul

I don’t know if i am becoming mellow dramatic or I am just getting in touch with my emotions. Here i am in a very public place on the brink of tears.Why? I have seen the sweetest photos of fathers playing with their children. Normally these would not elicit such a strong reaction from me but just yesterday my uncle had come visiting and the glaring difference between him and my father did not pass my attention. He called home just to check up on his kids and to make sure they were al-right. That is something my father never does and sometimes i even think that in the event of something happening to us, he would be more worried about how much it will cost him rather than our well being and safety.
In addition to that, as i was looking at those photos, the song dance with my father by Luther Vandros started playing in my mind. That song has always made me cry since the first time i heard it. I can’t even explain why i was filled with so much emotion at the time but it must be because i know i have missed out on one of the most beautiful things in the world,the love of a father. Thank God that i turned out quite well considering the details of my childhood. I sincerely don’t even want to get close to my dad because in my eyes it too little too late. I am doing just fine and i do not seek to complicate my life by trying impossibilities like bonding with my dad.
That however does not stop me from thinking how would it be if he was there for me. If he knew everything that went on in my life, If he was my best friend, if he told me even once that i am beautiful. If he told me that he was proud of me just for being me and not for being top of the class. If i knew i could run to him when i am sad and depressed, or that he was the one person in the world that had unwavering faith in my abilities and strengths.
I however do not delude myself into thinking that i would ever have that with him, but i know that all hope is not lost. I don’t bank on him changing his ways because not only is that pointless but it is also far-fetched. I take refuge in him that says he knew me even when i was in my mother’s womb. The heavenly father.
I will not hold to an illusion because reality is furthest from that. But it sure would have been nice if i had a real dad.

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Posted by on July 19, 2011 in Uncategorized


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